20 days

1. I'm thankful for vision.
2. I'm grateful that I woke up early this morning.
3. I'm grateful that I have IFMSA.

This morning I woke up at 5:05 and ran on the beach. I attended 4 hours of lecture and focused some of the time. I had a great shoulder workout and tweaked my slides a bit. After that I conducted a calm patient interview through which I had an excellent review of systems and good HPI. I presented my slide adeptly and the clinical tutor was pleased. During an IFMSA meeting I talked to friends and I had dinner with Louisa and Aaron while we joked about everything. I had a brief meditation and emailed my mother a short note that I appreciate her

21 days

Today I wrote to Loli to thank her for letting me live with her that first month I crashed back into Spain. I wished her health and happy employment.

1. I'm grateful that I have shelter.
2. I'm grateful that I'm in school.
3. I'm grateful that I'm in shape.

This morning I woke up at 5:35 and ran. I then ate a delicious mango, made awesome coffee, read my emails and messages, and did flashcards. I took a warm shower and shaved. Sitting through 4 hours of lecture was enjoyable. I then got a solid back/biceps workout and had a good coffee protein shake.
Talking with Jackie and joking with Henry in the weight room was enjoyable.
I prepared for path lab and reviewed condensed pathology notes with a coffee at Glover's.
Path lab was informative, relaxed and interesting. Louisa, Aaron, Karl and I went to the student center for dinner. I met with Ghislaine and Kizzy to decide the future of our program with the kids. Kizzy made me realize how important the work is and I was glad to be a part of making a positive difference in the kids lives. Kwame ran into me and agreed to help with it.
I finished about 200 cards and postread most of the lectures.

Now I'm going to floss, wash, brush my teeth, and sleep.

Chill

It's raining gently. I can see the bay from my window as I study microbiology. The wind is coming in and hitting my face, drying the lotion I put on my forehead.

I noticed my first wrinkles on my forehead this morning. I'm 25. I should be further in my career than I am yet I have done so much with my life that I would feel satisfied with it if I had to bury myself in work for the rest of it.

That's just what I'm doing. The heavy 14 hour days are hitting. Tomorrow we have microbiology, physical diagnosis, and pathology lectures in the morning. Then I have CPD lab and pathology lab in the afternoon. 8 hours of scheduled activity then I have to study.

The challenge isn't the workload as much as the emotions and focus. You need to sit still for so long every day and assimilate information.

I find myself sometimes pining for Spain. Particularly, I miss it now that the excitement of my second term is over and the prospect of a social life in my third term passed me by. I look forward to being warm but reclusive this term. My goals:

Maintain honors status.
Meditate daily for at least 15 minutes.
Dance at least 2x per month
Eat with friends at least once per week
Work out every SINGLE day
Maintain a clean mind and living space
Learn more martial arts
Maintain my rigorous schedule
Avoid distractions, negativity, overexcitement
Lose the anticipation and desire that keeps me shackled to external outcomes
Find more peace
Realize that there is no failure, only the temporary absence of success.
Firecracker daily
Maintain a positive attitude and my friends.
Rotate who I hang out with.
Plan my next trip to a Spanish-speaking place

Some of these are vague. Some are imperative and defined.

Last night was a potluck with Aaron, Brendan, Louisa, Chris, Kayleigh, and I. I made a spicy chicken dish and a medley salad that I usually make. It was wonderful. We talked over vignettes and strayed from the topics to talk about college sex and some gossip about campus. Having a non-student there was refreshing.
I chatted with Chris's roommate in Spanish a bit.

For the next 4 months my life will be this and this only. That's ok.

It has been tough getting over a relationship with someone who I see and work with every day. The most important thing is that I take care of myself first. I still want the best for this person, but it is not in my best interest to spend too much time with her. I am not pursuing anything with anyone this term. That was delightfully confusing but right now, work is my mistress.

Turning the Corner

After that low point I bounced around for a full week. The next day I just had a euphoric sense of well-being that permeated the day. Then, I had a feeling of boredom with life. After a little while I fluctuated back to "normal" where I am now.

The drums have started. Carnival is around the corner and after that there is the ominous "term 4" which fails many students at this school. Students are trickling in gradually and filling up the previously empty benches, fields, and study spaces. The questions and delays are going to peak this week when the full force of maybe 1000 new people hits the island.

It's refreshing to have a new perspective. I remember one year ago coming in hot to Grenada. After all the adventures this seemed like cake: the language is English and there are others doing the same thing. This year I'm giving advice to the confused and hopeful people as they wander around the island.

Sincerely, I have exhausted myself socially. I realize that while trying to resist my attraction toward someone I have built up resentment. Putting myself in social situations with this person takes an extra layer of energy to not think about the past.

Manipulation takes energy. Resignation and honesty are simple.

Last night I felt resigned and honest. There was a hash around Grand Anse and my friends made oildown. The conversation was light and fun. I met someone who I've seen around campus a ton. We played with their animals and had mojitos while we told stories about last year.

As term 4 is about to start I think about the stories. People say that there is no time for anything and that it's miserable. At the same time everyone is going to all-night parties and trying to kill every moment with alcohol before they have to be inside all the time.

As for me, I'm studying and planning this week. If there's anything I've learned in the last year of med school it's probably medical facts. I also know that I can exhaust myself by being a hermit or by putting too much stock in what other people think.

The difference between a man child and a man is the fact that men don't manipulate people. For me, it's hard not to think about what I want and how to get people to act the way that would best benefit me (which happens to benefit them). I guess this is fine until I start weaving stories and layers onto things that should be simple.

So this term is going to be the most complex and my life is going to be the most simple. No junk in the house. No side plots of trying to avoid people or bring them closer to me or anything like that. An aloof sense of calm, meditation, rigorous exercise, attentive study, and genuine but brief connections are all I have time for.

This weekend was good. A quiet pool party with a group of people. My friends and I made sushi to share. People were interesting and there was good conversation.

Over time I build up people in my mind and then am upset if or when it turns out that they are simple or ... people. I will have to keep my expectations low. Term 4 is going to be devoid of romance but I will NOT let dance go by the wayside. I really want to change partners and have intrigue in my life but that's not a good idea at this point. It's one year more and I'm back to the fold where there's an abundance of people in NYC or new England.

Live simply. Meditate. Maintain balance. Let go of the hate. Always learn. Appreciate the time you're given.
I feel like I've turned a corner. Time to cook, clean, study and go out for some light fun. This J'ouvert will be different.

Low Point

I've removed this post. It's not good to have too much out there.
Gotta have some mystery.

Someone said something unintentionally very hurtful. It struck at a bad time and hit a nerve by exposing my weaknesses and flaunting my failures. The person who said it had the best intentions and has problems of their own which they were working through.

July 31st.

I woke up at 6:42 this morning. My late dreams have been gripping lately. Like there's every reason to get up but at the same time I love lying there and lingering in someone else's life which my mind creates every night.

Associations and stimuli are what link us to every single moment and the past.

Although I derive very little meaning from this: everything that we experience, even our cognition of things, is actually in the past. There is a lot of debate as to whether or not consciousness is just a passenger in our lives.

Last night I had a good night of bingo with my friends from the path group. I'm doing the things I always do: study, review material from last year (I did 35 questions from Biochem, Anatomy, Physio, Neuroanatomy, and immunology), make a nice coffee drink, delve into parts of the internet which soak up time and attention, plan a workout, twitching to facebook every 5 or 10 minutes, and whatnot. Today I will run with a friend and practice martial arts with another friend. The latter I'm trying to sleep with, the former I'm trying to stop thinking about sleeping with.

Conditioned stimuli...something which is previously neutral takes on an emotional valence due to pairing with something which you enjoy/fear/respond to naturally.

I haven't had a strawberry since I was with the Spanish woman, feeding them to her as we caressed in gentle candlelight and a light haze of alcohol and cultural infatuation.

After eating strawberries once or twice I will not have that heart-pounding pairing and they will just be strawberries again.

There are birds on the powerline outside. They sit there whether it is raining or not.

It's incredible how basic I am. After all the thoughts and hours of writing to express something really deep or profound about my life which has been so wrought with privilege and yet discomfort...it just comes down to a day, a sensation, an interpretation, emotional valence, and then dismissal with eventual  forgetting.

Unless my world is totally disrupted this July 31st, I will continue being a medical student and today will just pass... Kind of lonely but with great company. As a person, I'm not the most ambitious in the world but on track to do everything that I want in life.

I noticed on my pageviews that someone from Ukraine paid me a visit. Please, link me to your craft. Whatever you have written about your experience seems more impactful than mine...

Shapeshifting

I'm going to preface this little quip by saying that I am NOT the words which stream through my head at all times. I am NOT the echoes of language which flow through me...there is something underneath in my subconscious which reacts to situations: this is what you can call "me". My goal today is to get a little better of understanding and help "me" get rid of a bad habit.

Last night I was at a large party of medical students in my term. I had just got a 92% on my behavioral science/biostatistics/cultural appreciation midterm and was celebrating. The day had a lot of intense enjoyment, resignation, and excitement mixed with the same self-defeating dialogue which dampens my mood when it should be the highest.

Let's rewind to the beginning of this term...

There are four fun exchange students in town. Since the beginning of July they have been on the island with us. When they first got here I was charged with breaking the ice and introducing them to what Grenada has to offer. I started them off with a hash (jungle hike/run) and introduced them to my friends. Then we brought them out to a dance party and I got to dance salsa with a woman from Ghana, Barcelona, and the Czech Republic.

The term started well. I sluggishly looked at some notes, put packs on my eye for a stye, broke bread with new folks and old friends, and tried to get ahead on next month's material. My workouts have been more intense as I have changed my diet to include more protein and other supplements. I still am at a 215 lb plateau on the bench. I'm not sure how to break it...but I know I need a spotter if I'm going to try and lift more than that on my own.

I have brought together a group of friends for next term's labs. They're good people and I'm excited to have them as friends. Most of them agree that we're going to maintain a positive perspective regarding our work next term. We met for food and drinks at a group of sheds called "Options" and got to know each other better.

I've been kicking the ideas of last term around and can't come to a clear conclusion about whether or not I should continue a complex relationship with the girl I was with last term.  We run together, do crossfit, dance, give each other backrubs but the whole time I feel that she is not *here* with me, which kills the mood and distances me. Overall, I know that I'm going to have to widen that distance.

Instead of taking back up with her in bed I met a really nice Grenadian woman on the beach. We had some beers, watched the sunset, and I invited her back for some jambalaya and a massage. One thing led to another and she stayed the night. Her sense of humor and carefree attitude is something I'd love to get more of as we hang out. Unfortunately, our schedules couldn't be less congruent.

I think that she only has Saturday nights off...that could work as the next term comes. She has a gentle spirit and is very eager to be with someone who gives her the attention she needs. She is taller than me, has smooth skin but rough hands, her hair is coarse and she has big lips, and her attitude is extremely upbeat. I'm not desparately attracted to her...but the feeling of being appreciated is something which is impossible to pass up.

It was the same in Chile. I was with a woman who listened to everything, cared about things which bothered me, and was really nurturing. I know that's not healthy in a relationship context and I shouldn't depend on it...but it was a great contrast to the extremely impersonal and unappreciative relationship I had last term. It seemed like we had just got to the point where she wasn't looking over her shoulder at her boyfriend in the USA ... then it was time to go home.

Ideally, I would like to find someone who has that caring spirit but with an active mind and body. Weight or lack of hygiene typically indicates some other, underlying problem of self esteem or laziness which leads to more problems in a relationship.

This is where I am now, restructuring my thought. In the work situation I am flawless when all the elements come together. I can study, learn, explain, organize, and multitask really well. Confidence and social grace come naturally when I'm in my element which is structured and has rules I can bend. Strangely, there's a mash which people tend to enjoy more as a part of their catharsis.

Last night at the bonfire it was neither impersonal nor intimate. There was neither a goal nor complete pointlessness to my speech and action. Somewhere underneath, though, there was a longing to make the most of the time and money I had invested at the party. When I became aware of these thoughts, though, it manifests in my actions and body language.

My shoulders tense up, my speech quickens, my thoughts race, my eyes dart around, and that energy is picked up by whoever I speak with. They start speaking faster, more  logically, and fall out of the moment. I see that and try to break it by using humor...which seems forced. Eventually I just walk away awkwardly or start a conversation with someone who is more in tune with the moment...that lasts until something interrupts it and then I realize it's happening again.

This pattern of behavior stems from an underlying set of false beliefs. Here are a few
1. Every conversation needs a goal.
2. People become disinterested in talking to me if I'm not entertaining.
3. My lower level of attraction stems from my stature and it affects how people talk to me. This prevents me from having the happiest life possible.
4. I need to be present at all times and conversations should not fall flat.
5. People are sensitive to my actions which I need to watch carefully.
6. If I want something, I need to wait for the perfect time.

Here is the fundamental truth which I understand:
1. Seriousness is good sometimes and not great other times. Enjoy yourself first and know where you're going. When you misinterpret people, exaggerate stories, and genuinely listen without thinking about what you'll say next the interaction is better for both people. You enjoy yourself more and people feel relaxed around you. Talking about work just so that you have SOMETHING to say is a cop out.
2. Everything I have done to arrive at this point is FASCINATING. I don't need to wear it on my sleeve. If people are receptive and perceptive they will pick that up. If not, just banter about nothing. Stumble on something you have in common with someone and explore it. Everything is interesting and there is no reason to get worked up if someone buries themself in a smartphone instead of seeing that the best thing is the connection with the person right next to them.
3. People are attracted to feelings. People resonate with feelings. If you bring good feelings and emotions by having a solid foundation to your life, they will respond positively to you. Insecurity breeds uncertainty which registers as incongruent and "creepy". No one wants to be around a liar or someone fake unless they have issues...which you don't want to deal with. Be genuine with the situation and people will genuinely appreciate you. If someone precludes a conversation with someone based on their height, the person excluding you is going to have deeper issues as  their own beauty declines with age. You want to make LASTING or MEANINGFUL interactions...which only come from people who are honest and congruent with their feelings.
Make your life a spring of positive energy and cultivate the garden of positivity. Then you will yield the fruits of meaningful human experience...and all the sweetness that is due to them.
4. Thought is natural. We are rational creatures who occasionally have anxiety or regret which comes into a conversation to steal our joy. Observe it, understand it, and then sink back into the moment. Sometimes a muse with company can be mutually enjoyable if you're working. Don't work when you're not at work. There is time for intense thought and there is time to be here now. Feel yourself in a moment and take it all in. Meditate and this will come naturally.
5. Be playful. Touch is reassuring as long as the intent is playful and not seductive or vindictive. People read that very VERY quickly and will be uncomfortable. You know people who are good at this...have fun with them for a bit before venturing out to brighten other people's day. Your intentions will always be read if you are trying to hide them. You are a simple man and that's good. Keep your momentum simple and FUN but never fake (unless it's for fun).
6. The only risk is the loss of time.

These are things that you feel in your deepest core. Scrub out all the bullshit and this is the well-oiled, simple, positive machine through which you operate to enjoy the world and make people better. There are a lot of devices in the world to make you feel inferior or "other" to these beliefs. Understand that these are meant to control you but they can't flip these beliefs back to what you believed before.

I already feel better after writing this. Infected Mushroom is blaring through the speakers and the scent of a cazuela on my stove is drifting to my desk. This afternoon I will learn some new dances and workout via crossfit. Today I will review some pathology lectures and understand new things. Tonight I will sleep well, clean my house, and appreciate my consciousness with some subtle mindfulness meditation.