Shapeshifting

I'm going to preface this little quip by saying that I am NOT the words which stream through my head at all times. I am NOT the echoes of language which flow through me...there is something underneath in my subconscious which reacts to situations: this is what you can call "me". My goal today is to get a little better of understanding and help "me" get rid of a bad habit.

Last night I was at a large party of medical students in my term. I had just got a 92% on my behavioral science/biostatistics/cultural appreciation midterm and was celebrating. The day had a lot of intense enjoyment, resignation, and excitement mixed with the same self-defeating dialogue which dampens my mood when it should be the highest.

Let's rewind to the beginning of this term...

There are four fun exchange students in town. Since the beginning of July they have been on the island with us. When they first got here I was charged with breaking the ice and introducing them to what Grenada has to offer. I started them off with a hash (jungle hike/run) and introduced them to my friends. Then we brought them out to a dance party and I got to dance salsa with a woman from Ghana, Barcelona, and the Czech Republic.

The term started well. I sluggishly looked at some notes, put packs on my eye for a stye, broke bread with new folks and old friends, and tried to get ahead on next month's material. My workouts have been more intense as I have changed my diet to include more protein and other supplements. I still am at a 215 lb plateau on the bench. I'm not sure how to break it...but I know I need a spotter if I'm going to try and lift more than that on my own.

I have brought together a group of friends for next term's labs. They're good people and I'm excited to have them as friends. Most of them agree that we're going to maintain a positive perspective regarding our work next term. We met for food and drinks at a group of sheds called "Options" and got to know each other better.

I've been kicking the ideas of last term around and can't come to a clear conclusion about whether or not I should continue a complex relationship with the girl I was with last term.  We run together, do crossfit, dance, give each other backrubs but the whole time I feel that she is not *here* with me, which kills the mood and distances me. Overall, I know that I'm going to have to widen that distance.

Instead of taking back up with her in bed I met a really nice Grenadian woman on the beach. We had some beers, watched the sunset, and I invited her back for some jambalaya and a massage. One thing led to another and she stayed the night. Her sense of humor and carefree attitude is something I'd love to get more of as we hang out. Unfortunately, our schedules couldn't be less congruent.

I think that she only has Saturday nights off...that could work as the next term comes. She has a gentle spirit and is very eager to be with someone who gives her the attention she needs. She is taller than me, has smooth skin but rough hands, her hair is coarse and she has big lips, and her attitude is extremely upbeat. I'm not desparately attracted to her...but the feeling of being appreciated is something which is impossible to pass up.

It was the same in Chile. I was with a woman who listened to everything, cared about things which bothered me, and was really nurturing. I know that's not healthy in a relationship context and I shouldn't depend on it...but it was a great contrast to the extremely impersonal and unappreciative relationship I had last term. It seemed like we had just got to the point where she wasn't looking over her shoulder at her boyfriend in the USA ... then it was time to go home.

Ideally, I would like to find someone who has that caring spirit but with an active mind and body. Weight or lack of hygiene typically indicates some other, underlying problem of self esteem or laziness which leads to more problems in a relationship.

This is where I am now, restructuring my thought. In the work situation I am flawless when all the elements come together. I can study, learn, explain, organize, and multitask really well. Confidence and social grace come naturally when I'm in my element which is structured and has rules I can bend. Strangely, there's a mash which people tend to enjoy more as a part of their catharsis.

Last night at the bonfire it was neither impersonal nor intimate. There was neither a goal nor complete pointlessness to my speech and action. Somewhere underneath, though, there was a longing to make the most of the time and money I had invested at the party. When I became aware of these thoughts, though, it manifests in my actions and body language.

My shoulders tense up, my speech quickens, my thoughts race, my eyes dart around, and that energy is picked up by whoever I speak with. They start speaking faster, more  logically, and fall out of the moment. I see that and try to break it by using humor...which seems forced. Eventually I just walk away awkwardly or start a conversation with someone who is more in tune with the moment...that lasts until something interrupts it and then I realize it's happening again.

This pattern of behavior stems from an underlying set of false beliefs. Here are a few
1. Every conversation needs a goal.
2. People become disinterested in talking to me if I'm not entertaining.
3. My lower level of attraction stems from my stature and it affects how people talk to me. This prevents me from having the happiest life possible.
4. I need to be present at all times and conversations should not fall flat.
5. People are sensitive to my actions which I need to watch carefully.
6. If I want something, I need to wait for the perfect time.

Here is the fundamental truth which I understand:
1. Seriousness is good sometimes and not great other times. Enjoy yourself first and know where you're going. When you misinterpret people, exaggerate stories, and genuinely listen without thinking about what you'll say next the interaction is better for both people. You enjoy yourself more and people feel relaxed around you. Talking about work just so that you have SOMETHING to say is a cop out.
2. Everything I have done to arrive at this point is FASCINATING. I don't need to wear it on my sleeve. If people are receptive and perceptive they will pick that up. If not, just banter about nothing. Stumble on something you have in common with someone and explore it. Everything is interesting and there is no reason to get worked up if someone buries themself in a smartphone instead of seeing that the best thing is the connection with the person right next to them.
3. People are attracted to feelings. People resonate with feelings. If you bring good feelings and emotions by having a solid foundation to your life, they will respond positively to you. Insecurity breeds uncertainty which registers as incongruent and "creepy". No one wants to be around a liar or someone fake unless they have issues...which you don't want to deal with. Be genuine with the situation and people will genuinely appreciate you. If someone precludes a conversation with someone based on their height, the person excluding you is going to have deeper issues as  their own beauty declines with age. You want to make LASTING or MEANINGFUL interactions...which only come from people who are honest and congruent with their feelings.
Make your life a spring of positive energy and cultivate the garden of positivity. Then you will yield the fruits of meaningful human experience...and all the sweetness that is due to them.
4. Thought is natural. We are rational creatures who occasionally have anxiety or regret which comes into a conversation to steal our joy. Observe it, understand it, and then sink back into the moment. Sometimes a muse with company can be mutually enjoyable if you're working. Don't work when you're not at work. There is time for intense thought and there is time to be here now. Feel yourself in a moment and take it all in. Meditate and this will come naturally.
5. Be playful. Touch is reassuring as long as the intent is playful and not seductive or vindictive. People read that very VERY quickly and will be uncomfortable. You know people who are good at this...have fun with them for a bit before venturing out to brighten other people's day. Your intentions will always be read if you are trying to hide them. You are a simple man and that's good. Keep your momentum simple and FUN but never fake (unless it's for fun).
6. The only risk is the loss of time.

These are things that you feel in your deepest core. Scrub out all the bullshit and this is the well-oiled, simple, positive machine through which you operate to enjoy the world and make people better. There are a lot of devices in the world to make you feel inferior or "other" to these beliefs. Understand that these are meant to control you but they can't flip these beliefs back to what you believed before.

I already feel better after writing this. Infected Mushroom is blaring through the speakers and the scent of a cazuela on my stove is drifting to my desk. This afternoon I will learn some new dances and workout via crossfit. Today I will review some pathology lectures and understand new things. Tonight I will sleep well, clean my house, and appreciate my consciousness with some subtle mindfulness meditation.