After that low point I bounced around for a full week. The next day I just had a euphoric sense of well-being that permeated the day. Then, I had a feeling of boredom with life. After a little while I fluctuated back to "normal" where I am now.
The drums have started. Carnival is around the corner and after that there is the ominous "term 4" which fails many students at this school. Students are trickling in gradually and filling up the previously empty benches, fields, and study spaces. The questions and delays are going to peak this week when the full force of maybe 1000 new people hits the island.
It's refreshing to have a new perspective. I remember one year ago coming in hot to Grenada. After all the adventures this seemed like cake: the language is English and there are others doing the same thing. This year I'm giving advice to the confused and hopeful people as they wander around the island.
Sincerely, I have exhausted myself socially. I realize that while trying to resist my attraction toward someone I have built up resentment. Putting myself in social situations with this person takes an extra layer of energy to not think about the past.
Manipulation takes energy. Resignation and honesty are simple.
Last night I felt resigned and honest. There was a hash around Grand Anse and my friends made oildown. The conversation was light and fun. I met someone who I've seen around campus a ton. We played with their animals and had mojitos while we told stories about last year.
As term 4 is about to start I think about the stories. People say that there is no time for anything and that it's miserable. At the same time everyone is going to all-night parties and trying to kill every moment with alcohol before they have to be inside all the time.
As for me, I'm studying and planning this week. If there's anything I've learned in the last year of med school it's probably medical facts. I also know that I can exhaust myself by being a hermit or by putting too much stock in what other people think.
The difference between a man child and a man is the fact that men don't manipulate people. For me, it's hard not to think about what I want and how to get people to act the way that would best benefit me (which happens to benefit them). I guess this is fine until I start weaving stories and layers onto things that should be simple.
So this term is going to be the most complex and my life is going to be the most simple. No junk in the house. No side plots of trying to avoid people or bring them closer to me or anything like that. An aloof sense of calm, meditation, rigorous exercise, attentive study, and genuine but brief connections are all I have time for.
This weekend was good. A quiet pool party with a group of people. My friends and I made sushi to share. People were interesting and there was good conversation.
Over time I build up people in my mind and then am upset if or when it turns out that they are simple or ... people. I will have to keep my expectations low. Term 4 is going to be devoid of romance but I will NOT let dance go by the wayside. I really want to change partners and have intrigue in my life but that's not a good idea at this point. It's one year more and I'm back to the fold where there's an abundance of people in NYC or new England.
Live simply. Meditate. Maintain balance. Let go of the hate. Always learn. Appreciate the time you're given.
I feel like I've turned a corner. Time to cook, clean, study and go out for some light fun. This J'ouvert will be different.
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