Thank you.

Nonfiction. This is my life.

This morning I woke up at 5:28 in the morning...a little later than normal for a day of learning. My body wakes up full of energy and my mind has to catch up. I stumbled to the bathroom and threw in my contacts. The past few weeks have been tough. My eyes haven't put up with contacts since I got an infection last week. A few hundred dollars went missing. My computer crashed. I had to talk to my landlady about a maid coming in my house without permission. I was working through heavy material coming in and trying to process it all.

Now it's Thanksgiving day. My dad sent a few pictures of the snow-capped farm. I called Janee and got a choppy 1 minute phone call. Right now I'm listening to the Mountain Goats and doing what I do best: reflecting and trying to contextualize my experience.

I had a beautiful partly cloudy sunrise run on the beach. Ate a ripe banana, drank a huge glass of water, and put the coffee on. The sweetspot on the shower was easy to find today. Just warm enough. Every breath is a gift and I was present through all of them this morning. Feeling the water cascade down my head and tired legs I washed off the sweat and sand. I swept the portion of Grand Anse off the floor and tied up the shopping bag, put it by the door so I wouldn't forget to throw it in the barrel as I would march for the bus.

The coffee was hot and strong. Combining it with a muffin from the local Grenadian bakery made a perfect, stable climb in my blood sugar. Morning running is good for waking my mind up, some autophagy of defective organelles in my cells, and hopefully to burn whatever extra weight I have.

My goal was 40 head questions and 55 pelvis/leg questions. I got the head questions done from Lippincott's anatomy and then delved into 50 questions about the pelvis, leg, and perineum...solid. I missed about 9 or 10 and reviewed why. They were easy questions and I learned my mistakes. There is always room for improvement.

After the questions I turned on Redes to practice my Spanish while I cooked. The program I chose was about natural selection, group selection, and languages. I understood 100% of the interview and enjoyed it while I fried up some curry chicken and yardlong beans. Breakfast at the same time was fried splitpeas with leftover Spanish rice.

I ate as I did 100 Blue Histology questions. I only scored 70% above chance...which is OK. There is still time.

To break it up I went to the ATM to take out half the rent. Then I sat for a biochem quiz. Most of the questions I knew...but not all of them. There's still work to be done. Breathing and enjoying the fact that I am growing helps me sit for this and feel confident that I can do this.

After the biochem I had 15 minutes to relax myself. Then I hit the drugs/diseases part of review. 50 of them once through...I don't know them yet.

Fried up 2 chicken sandwiches and packed for the day.

I took out my contacts because they started burning. At 11:40 I took the bus to campus. A friendly hello to the bus driver and I sat, trying to assimilate some purine synthesis before I got to campus. Then...straight to the gym. I did 5 wide arm pullups and hit lat pulldowns, then triceps with the 70lb weight behind my head. Then the straight bar on the bench with 10's on each side for supine triceps. Then I alternated between the straddle-rowing weight and ab kicks. After that: tricep pulldowns, one arm rows, overhead pulls, small angle pulldowns, seated rows, oblique twists, and oblique bends with the 70lb weight. I got out in under an hour.

Curry chicken and beans after the workout was great. A cat chased and murdered a lizard in front of the library. It reminded me of undergraduate and gardening for my professor who loved her cats.

Dr. Burns was lecturing but I wanted to get a jump on histology, so I hit up the 2nd floor of Founder's Library. I slowed down but got to labelling a few slides and hit some flash cards about anatomy (embryology of the head).

In lecture I sat next to Tempest for Dr. Loukas's closing remarks lecture. He joked and said some things which really hit home...be positive, live in a rumor-free bubble, project professionalism on social media, display positive body language, help your colleagues, attend medical conferences, work hard, don't take breaks, and train your mind.

SGU is surprisingly hardcore. I am nearing the end of my first term and know an astounding amount compared to when I came here. My self-doubt and idealism erodes as I become the machine I knew I would be 4 months ago when I was travelling the Balkan peninsula with Joao. I knew it before then...this is constitutive. Work becomes me and idleness and celebration are not my element.

Ultrasound, physical examination, radiographic imaging, facilitated article discussion, and case reports are all second nature...they are all things I knew nothing about before I was here. Now I can do all of them to a limited extent...I know I will have these all mastered soon and will be using them to change lives.

Sometimes it goes too fast to breathe. Sometimes I don't think about the journey and just walk it.Other times I get consumed with the goal and the moment escapes me as I fight tomorrows battles today. This always defeats me and pushes me out of my head and back into the moment.

Memories sustain me but despair can kill your ambition if you linger on the past.

So on it went. Biochemistry...I missed two or three diseases in the discussion even with Kevin and Tempest talked a few of them out. I wanted to get them on my own but listened intently as the answers were discussed. Lecture let out 10 til 4. Outside the temperature was a perfect 80 degrees. Hot coffee from New York's finest bagels and I hit the 2nd floor of the library again. Studying was slower...I labelled slides one at a time from lectures and checked facebook every 20 minutes and the news. Not too proud of the work I got done from 4-7, but I ate some chicken sandwiches and reviewed drugs a bit as well. Facebook is going off tomorrow until finals are finished. Only after 9 p.m. and before 6:30 I will have it on.

At 7 I met up with William and Chris. Bill is a good guy. Quirky and funny, from Philly. He has a giant beard, is short statured, and tells horrible puns. He's assertive and compassionate...a good, reliable friend who helps out when he can. I don't see him as much as some of my other friends but when we do see each other we get a fair amount of stuff done. It's easy to  get sidetracked with him.

There are a lot of personalities here which I love and some which I viciously and quickly distance myself. Luckily, I have a core group of 5 or so people who I can count on to study with. They don't complain and we pull each other up. Admittedly, I am not so quick on some things as I should be. It's part of the drawbacks of being away from science for so long...I can engage a 6 year old child in an English reading lesson, command a class of Spanish teenagers to work through the conditionals, or sharpen a Mexican technician's presentation for a conference on earthquake damage in southern Spain ... but these are not skills which apply in the context of medical school (although in life the ability to relate with and involve people is indispensible).  That being said, I know what I am and exactly when I slip from my solid mental frame.

Chris brings out the worst in me. Sometimes I slip out of my frame into wanting to impress her. I know I do it too but can't stop myself from adding in something about my experience, life, or perspective which isn't necessary. Even though I know I don't have to prove anything, I feel myself pulled to be different and it feels needy.

She's a vibrant, short, farm girl from Wisconsin with pale eyes and perpetually dilated pupils...which is what makes her engaging. She always looks interested., Her combination of organization and laid-back demeanor is the opposite of my aggressive, rigid, hectic mind. Admittedly, she is a bit quicker than I am at assimilating material.

My blood sugar was dropping. I got tired as we swapped stories about Thanksgiving. Again, I told her some stuff about home, which is a subject I usually keep deep under wraps (as many do and many people should). It's interesting that I hear a lot of crisis talk around medical school but feel separate from it because I have been through so much. The upside of hardship is a thick skin and solid work ethic.

After 40 minutes of work on 25 slides we started chatting. I walked to the bus stop. The ride home was uneventful. Beautiful winding hills and a chorus of insects and night creatures as we zoomed up and down huge hills back to my home just outside Mount Toute.

Chezaz was outside smoking and I joined him. I spoke a few sentences in French and he responded...I got most of it. The 5 minute morning podcasts are good enough for that. His infant son got sick but is now better. Their eletric bill is more than  6x mine because they use AC constantly.

Back to the chair, the desk, and my mind is winding down. Looking at pictures of home and thinking about the future.

I need to tell myself and convince myself that I'm OK with being alone. A relationship would fit perfectly with my lifestyle, could help me learn medicine better, and would make me immensely happy ... but it is a distraction. Moreover, if I cross a line with someone into the realm of romantic relationships I will have to deal with everyone at the university because things travel. You don't just date someone...but you take on their friends and your friends because everyone has advice about things they know little to nothing about.

Like I said...memories sustain me. Although I would love a pleasant distraction such as more time with the Nigerian woman who rides my bus, to grab dinner with the woman I greet during the jog in the mornings, or maybe a few drinks with a cute vet student I met...I have to contextualize those feelings in a way that they aren't distracting. This blog is cathartic and well worth the hour I spent writing it.

I just started to feel this way when Elvira and I stopped speaking. She starts work soon and it's obvious that we're going to permanently move in opposite directions.

Instead of dwelling, though, I'm going to wash the dishes and plan my morning. I will run through some cadaveric images, prepare breakfast and listen to Redes, take the mock practical, annihilate some biochemistry, and then . . .

Home will be great. Jiu-jitsu, salsa, and catching up with friends are in the plans. As well as getting ready to take on next term like a champion. I really don't want to put the books down. The recharge will be great though.

 Admittedly, I am ragged right now. My clothes, shoes, laptop, bookbag, bank account, and notes are all in disarray. One thing leads to another and this term has had its fair share of hurdles. Next term I'm going to hit my favorite subjects like a ton of bricks and probably lead some review sessions as well as help out in the community. I have the template and know how to work the island now.

This term I told myself "survive" and next term I know I will thrive. Then, we'll see.